Tomorrow is the anniversary of the passing of my second child. Thank you Facebook for reminding me of mine with that latest “memories” feature.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this, as I do occasionally; particularly around holiday season. This post is an open and honest expression of the pain, sorrow and beauty that comes with the loss of a child. I apologize in advance for any tears shed. I shared quite a few in writing this. Ok, here we go.
This is me on my 29th birthday.
It was a great day. My husband took the day off, we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat, go get free food at Joe’s Farm Grill and enjoyed family time. It was a good day. Everything seemed to be going well; with the exception of morning sickness which lasted all day.
Fast forward to a few few weeks later when everything turned grey. Three days after Thanksgiving, I was involved in the car accident. A teenager decided to blindly enter traffic and T-boned me. It was in a parking lot of a shopping complex so luckily speeds were not high. I didn’t think to go to the doctor. Honestly, I was just happy that my kids who are almost always with me were not in the car at that moment. A week to two weeks later I went for my scheduled prenatal appointment and found out that we had lost of baby sometime around the time of the car accident. Whether or not the accident was the cause I will never know. All I know is that I lost something….a part of me.
I remember the horrible feeling, that sad phone call to my husband, every pain, every sorrow, every horrible thought. I was heartbroken. Empty. What made things worse was a fact that I had lost my baby but not passed him or her. My lil’ guy was still inside of me. The irony- my body couldn’t sustain life but would not release its mortal vessel. Because I was 9 weeks and for a 5 days the doctor gave me the option of waiting to let it pass on its own or have a D&C. I waited weeks and nothing happened. It felt like it was never ending; like I was relieving the miscarriage every single day. My husband and I took a turn for the worse. He was still angry with God and hurt. Going to church was even harder. Overtime, I too became upset with Heavenly Father. I needed to move on and couldn’t knowing that there was a lifeless body inside me. I got to a morbid place where I was literally googling how to miscarry a baby. I was drinking raspberry leaf tea and doing all sorts of crazy things. I was in a dark place.
My husband decided to lift my spirits by sending me to see my sister Lindsay and Indiana. I prayed so hard that I would pass the baby in Indiana so that Jonny wouldn’t have to be there and deal with that. Plus, I would have my sister to make things better. And of course the week and a half past without a change. Being in Indiana was good. Sarah and I got to play in the snow, visit the Children’s Museum, and get pampered by my sister. I was distracted but the reality never escaped me.
My absence had an even greater affect on my husband. No one really thinks or talks about the husbands and miscarriage. They should! Jonny felt everything as greatly as I did. We needed to be back together. He needed me and our chukkas. Needless to say, Jonny was so happy to have us home. He immediately held Sarah in his arms at the terminal and didn’t let go.
After getting home I went in for another appointment. It got to the point where the doctor said it was no longer healthy and safe for me to wait and that I was going to have to proceed with a D&C. We did not have the funds to go through such a surgery and frankly, I was scared. I had read somewhere online about some pills that you could take to encourage your body to release the bad. I guess some kind of abortion pill. I asked my doctor about them and why he had never spoken to me about them prior. He said they were experimental and doctors weren’t sure of dosage but we could try it. So he wrote me prescription and I went immediatly to Walgreens.
It felt wrong giving that prescription to the pharmacist. I’m very pro-life and here I was requesting these pills. I read up on everything I could regarding the pills and its often horrific side-effects (labor pains, hemorrhaging and more). I was not deterred. I knew it was what needed to be done. I didn’t want to scare my husband and with the possibilities of what could happen as consequence to taking the pills. I did however tell my neighbor and ask her if she would watch my daughter in the event of something bad happening and had to go to the ER. All the online commentors said that I was going to experience horrible cramping and the best time to take it was at night. That was my plan. In the evening, I took 6 pills and prepared myself mentally for the worst. First tender mercy, I was able to sleep. Such a blessing.
I awoke at some point with some cramping so I decided to go take a bath. The warm water helped and I was able to relax a little. I remember the silence, the warmth of the water, the salt of the tears and the feeling the smooth porcelain on my hands as I pushed myself out of the tub. The weight or pressure from getting out of the water released my baby. I felt so many emotions at that moment. Those same emotions I feel right now. My fear and sorrow were briefly replaced with a feeling of peace. I cradled the little kidney bean shaped sac in my hands and cried, then said goodbye. I decided not awake my husband. I did not want him to have to go through any more pain. IH was horrible. But at the same time is beautiful. Earlier that day, I had read an article about the tender mercies of the Lord. I truly feel that He was with me. I took six of those pills; a higher dosage than those taken by others online. I should have had a horrible experience and didn’t.